The Communications Workers of America have sealed an unprecedented deal.
Originally, the Union was poised to lose health, pension, and job security points against Verizon, but in an unexpected move at the level of Federal Mediation, the Union played its hand of “Paper” against the Company’s “Rock”, and we all know that paper covers rock.
” I was really going to try Scissors,” Says an ecstatic Joe Stromboli, a union negotiator, “I don’t know what made me throw Paper out there, it must be fate.”
The Company negotiator, Hermann Vonssentruper, was unavailable for comment, having been whisked away from the bargaining table by several red and black clad men. It was rumored that his move of “Rock” was entirely outside of company plans, and he acted on his own initiative. His wife expressed concern as she has not heard from him since the fateful play.
As a result, the Union secured the following key points in a new 5 year contract:
1. Complete health care, dental, vision, and elective plastic surgery with no co-pays
2. Six weeks vacation
3. 46 paid sick daysper year
4. an increase of 127% to pensions
5. yearly wage increases totalling 23% over the five year life of the contract
6. Company contributions of 15% of wage to 401k plans
7. 6hour work days, with double time starting after the 6th hour.
8. 32 paid holidays, including “411 Day”
10. Free health insurance for family pets
These are a few of the more outstanding points of the new contract, other terms are equally favorable.
The company announced the new contract would decrease their profit margin from $22 billion to $21 billion per quarter, and were visibly crying during the announcement.
“We wanted that other billion” VP Martin Schnagenfur said through tears late last night.
As part of the deal, on August 29th of each year, Managers for the company that have not smiled or sang pro-union songs on a regular basis will be thrown from the roof of the company headquarters located in the Amazonian forests of Brazil.
“We really wanted the drop zone to be somehwere else, those huts are what…8 feet high?” a disappointed union negotiator said, ” but it’s the symbolism that counts I guess.”